Author: Triann Benson

I just couldn’t get in a good space today.
So I went and grabbed Emily’s Bible.
It has larger print – am I really old enough for large print?

Wasn’t sure where to start, so I went with the old “open it and see if it inspires me” routine.

It opened to Job.

I was amused.

Several things I gained from the few chapters I read. (Isn’t it great that we can read the same chapters, books, and verses again and again and always gain something new – or a tap on the shoulder saying ‘you should know this already – you’ve been here before’.)

First of all, Job had some rotten friends. ‘Righteous’ friends. I think that they meant well. I know this because we have had friends who have meant well, but really couldn’t have hurt us more by their ‘helpful’ suggestions and opinions.
Next, I am reminded that we cannot fathom the ways of the Lord. He is all-knowing and Almighty and loves us more than we can imagine. I need to quit trying to figure ‘it’ out. All of the ‘whys?’ – I need to let them go. Much easier said than done!!
I also needed the reminder that God is in the business of blessing us. After the rain comes the sun, right? He blessed Job immensely because he remained faithful. It didn’t mean that Job didn’t question, or struggle, or grieve. We are all still human. Yet he still walked with the Lord. That’s all he had and he hung onto that. How many walk away in tough times? Then they are really sunk!
But I am on a tangent…

Where I am really blown away is – in His infinite wisdom – He placed the Psalms as the book following Job. The book of song and worship. That is exactly what we are to do in ALL circumstances, but especially when we are having trials and struggles. What will bring us out of the dark spaces?
Focusing on God.
On worship.
On something greater than ourselves and our circumstances.

I certainly don’t have it figured out, but enjoy it when the vision becomes a little clearer.

Happy New Year Everyone!

I have been dreading 2009 and also anticipating 2009. I was trying to figure out what my issue was. It boils down to being a little ‘gun-shy’ after the last 3 years. 2006 was a rough year. 2007 was a challenge to say the least, and well, 2008 doesn’t need a lot of explanation to y’all does it? So I’m thinking to myself, what in the world is 2009 gonna hold? I realized there is only one option –great things. Powerful, amazing things from the Lord. Even though the last three years have been extremly difficult, we have had some incredible blessings as well (the whole ‘don’t throw the baby out with the bath water’ saying).
I have felt sorry for myself long enough. We have been drowning in bills for long enough. It is time for change! It is time to step outside of myself and my situation and do something else. I don’t even know what that means for me this upcoming year, but I know that we are headed into a great year. I am excited and looking forward to what’s around the corner. Will it be perfect? No way! Perhaps it’s all in my outlook – and expectations. I know it will be tough. My lab work came back this past week and I have to double my chemo. Now. Yuck. More stomach upset. More fatigue. Less energy.

But what about the good stuff? My sweet Emily just turned 7! SEVEN! Wow! We have been through so much with her health and what a blessing that she is strong and smart and sweet. Eric and I are in our 13th year of marriage – and that is definitely a testament to God being faithful! Daniel is full of energy and humor, Eric has a job, he has started treatment for his autoimmune disease, we have a roof over our head, we have health insurance, we have a loving family, amazing friends, we have never gone hungry – been culinarily creative, but never hungry.

We are in for a great year, not because we ‘deserve it’, but because we need it. I have this sense of ‘pulling up my bootstraps’ and taking it on. I am tired of being in survival mode. I want to LIVE in 2009. Not merely survive. That is my prayer for 2009. That we live life to the fullest, take things in stride, and – again – choose joy.

God is good. Life’s not perfect. 2009 is gonna be great.

“The third is the gift of faith. We can believe in Him – for life, for love, and for the power to overcome. Power to overcome even death. This gift requires trust, and helps us get through every day, every circumstance, and every period of trouble. It is a gift that offers a holy hand to hold and a holy shoulder to cry on. A gift that holds the answers of hope and joy.”

The quoted paragraph above is an excerpt from the Proverbs 31 devotions for December 17th, 2008 by Tracie Miles. Go to http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com to read the entire entry – it is based on John 3:16 -“For God so loved the world (us) that He gave His one and only begotten son (Jesus), so that whoever believes in Him may not perish but have everlasting life.”

Where am I going with this??

I have received many comments and e-mails regarding my attitude in dealing with the trials life has dished out to us. I want to make sure everyone understands that I have my moments – and days – that are really ugly. I get angry. I cry. I doubt. It brings my heart joy to know that I can be an encouragement to others even in my humanness and that Jesus is using my circumstances to perhaps bring joy or peace or understanding to others. Do I wish I didn’t have to go through this? Absolutely! But as I have learned from past sufferings we have endured – there are always rewards we would not have received had we gone down an easier road. Many times it is a new friend I cannot imagine living my life without. But all of it is a process and my ultimate goal is to lean on Christ. Much of the time I succeed, but we can never fully understand or wrap our brains around suffering and what we see as injustice. We can only cling to the Saviour and strive to be the child he desires us to be, but in the end it is only death that gives us the perfect, sinless life that HE originally intended.

My hope and prayer for you today is that you know Him. If you already have a relationship with Him, grow it. If you do not -ask for one. He is there ready and waiting to help you through all of your tough spots too. I know that I would probably have killed myself long ago if I didn’t know that He was watching out for me and wanted the absolute best for me. He cries when I cry. He laughs when I laugh. He holds me up and promises to never leave me or forsake me. The best Best friend you can have. John 10:10 says, “The thief (Satan)comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus)came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” Not so we can trudge through – but have an abundant, joy-filled life.

Joy and happiness are not the same. Joy is knowing that there is more to this life, no matter your circumstances. Happiness is a feeling dependent on circumstances. Since many of my circumstances are outside my scope of ‘control’ – I am going to choose joy =) Joy in the family and friends I have, joy in the weather – whether it is snow or rain or a sunny 70 degrees, joy in the Christmas lights, joy in giving the perfect gift at Christmas, joy at the picture my child draws just for me, joy in wearing party dresses over our jammies on an ‘ice day’, joy in an ‘unconditional-love’ hug from my 2-yr old. Joy. Find it. It is there – sometimes you have to just forget all the other ‘crap’ around you and live for that one moment. It helps to not eat you alive.

I hope you can truly celebrate the gift that is Jesus this Christmas season and accept the presents He has wrapped up – just for you.

Triann

SO we left off with the wee hours of October 21st. The night before, the thick smoke from the fire in Ramona – a small town 15-20 miles from us -started rolling in. It was an eerie feeling, but everyone – friends, media, law enforcement – were telling us it was OK and that there was no way, at least not any time soon, that the fire would head our way. Well, Eric was part facinated and part concerned about the fires, so he stayed up ALL night Sunday night watching the fire coverage as it creeped closer and closer to our area. Finally they reported it was across the valley from us, but we still hadn’t been ordered to evacuate. Eric called the hotline and asked about our zip code and they told us to stay put until we received our reverse 911 call alerting us to the fact that it was time to go. Well, the night before I had packed an overnight bag for all of us -a change of clothes, important medicine, laptops with our pictures, etc. Never in a million years would I have thought we would not return to our home! I would have stuffed the van all night to the gills! But I am getting ahead of myself… Around 4AM Eric had had enough and went to throw the few things I had gathered into the van and I had a feeling it was time to go so I went and got Emily, put her in her wheelchair and at that moment Eric ran back into the house and said ‘we are leaving – NOW!’ One of us grabbed Daniel from his crib and the other grabbed Emily and we raced to the car that he left running in front of our building. I never could have been prepared for what I experienced at that moment. Sheer panic – True fear for my life and that of my children. THe hills surrounding our apartment complex were up in flames – and I am talking WALLS of fire – something out of a movie – and the wind was so fierce it was blowing dense smoke and burning embers though the parking lot. It was too think to breathe as we raced to get the kids buckeld into their car seats and head out. We were in a community of houses, condos and the one apartment complex. Typically we had three gates available to come and go out of, but this morning there was only one. One gate was not working – perhaps because of electricity issues, the other gate had a burning tree across it! All of the people in the complex had to slowly file out of ONE gate! I seriously did not know if we would get out of the complex alive. I was terrified and I NEVER want to experience anything like that again. Being surrounded by fire and not knowing if you will burn alive in your car with your husband and your kids? No one needs to experience that in life – trust me. This probably sounds over dramatic, but Eric would agree with me and he is very level headed! =)
We obviously made it out alive, but it was a slow, fire filled drive to the red cross shelter. I could tell so many stories from our fire saga, but I will do that another time.
Now we were homeless (the apartment – amazingly – did not burn down, but the smoke and ash damage was so bad we were forced to move. Nearly everything in the garage was a total loss and our belongings went to be cleaned. It took over 2 months to get our clothing, bedding, and linens back from the fire restoration company because they were so overwhelmed with clients. Eric had just started back to work only to have work shut down for the week because of the fires and now we had to find a new place to live. Emily and I were both having trouble breathing because of the smoke we had inhaled that morning and the air quality was so bad we just couldn’t quit the coughing, so the kids and I flew to Portland to stay with my family while Eric worked and searched for another place to live. He finally located, with the help of a realtor, a condo that would, for the most part, meet our needs – especially that of Emily’s. After a month in the beautiful Northwest and 2 rounds of meds in order to combat the Pnuemonia Emily and I came down with, we flew back down to smogy – i mean, sunny – San Diego. What a tough fall!!

Last night – Thanksgiving #3 – the family tradition was to go around the table and say what we are thankful for. Unfortunately, I was last. Why I didn’t volunteer to go first? The same reason I was such a mess going last. Fear! I have SO much to be thankful for this year. Numerous scenarios in my life playing through my head of blessings in my life, but to say them out loud? Not my forte. Now, I was in debate club and I can speak on a given topic and argue with the best of them, but to share my heart – Something personal – too much to ask. I pondered most of the night why I can’t get what is in my heart and head to come out of my mouth. Fear, yes. But fear of what? I think it boils down to being vulnerable. Putting myself in a position of ‘risk’. As I think of this, I have no idea where that insecurity stems from. I can’t even pray out loud! I know that, on some level,is related. Guess it is now on my list to work on. Because I really need another thing to work on =)
The written word I can do. I was big into journaling growing up and blogging is just a grown up (public) journal, right?

SO here is my I am thankful for list, that I completely botched last night. (Apparently I also have an issue with the need to redeem myself)

I am Thankful for my health. As crazy as that may sound, it could be SO much worse. I am thankful that Daniel jumped on me and the doctors found the tumor when they did.I am thankful to the many wonderful doctors I have, Eric has ,and Emily has. I am thankful that Eric was finally diagnosed and is now on a treatment that is giving him his life back. I am thankful for the school Emily attends and the amazing people who care for her there. I am thankful for the many friends and family that have jumped in and have sacrificed to help my family in this crazy, uncertain time.

I am thankful to have friends that feel like family to spend the holiday with when our family is so far away. I am thankful for a place Eric and I can go to be refreshed and the kiddos to ‘run wild’. I am thankful that Daniel can experience a variety of new things and that Emily has a wonderful friend to share and play with. I am thankful that Eric and I can experience new things, have new wonderful friends to play with, and can – occasionally – ‘run wild’ too.

I am thankful for just about anything involving chocolate. I am thankful for our house and our vehicle and our freedom. I am thankful for my friends who encourage and support me no matter what – they are truly the hands and feet Jesus.

I am thankful for my beautiful children. The joy they bring to my life, the lessons they teach me, and their capability for unconditional love.
I am thankful for my incredible husband of 13 years. I could not go through this life without him, and God knew that. I am thankful for his sense of humor, his random knowledge of all things, his ability to relax, his love for the Lord and his desire to continue to grow in his relationship with Christ and always striving to be a better husband and a better dad. He is an inspiration to me.

Now I am about to cry and I don’t do that well either – especially not in front of others.

I am thankful for the prayers of those we know and those we don’t. I am thankful for another day here on earth. With my family. With my friends.

I am thankful my family will be here for Christmas.
I am thankful it is eggnog season – because it brings my husband joy! =)

I am thankful for so many things I could never list them all. But I do feel better having an opportunity to ‘say’ what is on my heart, even when I can’t speak.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Triann

Last night I went up to 3 chemo pills. A lot of the strife is mental. Every time I go up I really struggle with not wanting to do it. Like an internal temper tantrum. It’s not fair, it’s not fair! Next week I will be up to four pills and I will stay there until my lab results come back to see how much is staying in my system. My levels of chemo and levels of steroid (because of the adrenal gland issue) will be analyzed each month. I am really tired, but I have also been sick, so it is tough to know what is the chemo and what is recovery from surgery and what is being sick with the crud! But my nauseousness has gotten better. A lot better, which is wonderful! My appetite is still low, but I don’t think that is a bad thing – I would like to stay in my new size 6 pants! =)

I’m sorry to all of you who are waiting for part 2 of our Moving Story. I have been really under the weather. I finally went to the doctor and now am on antibiotics for a Sinus Infection and Bronchitis! All that to say it will be a few more days until I get part 2 posted. Sorry for the delay.

We are having a fabulous time away this weekend. We are visiting with Eric’s parents and their long-time friends who live in Tyler. The kids are having a blast running around outside, playing with all the new-to-them toys in the playroom and having 4 ‘grandparents’ at their disposal. Which is a welcome break for Eric and I! Eric’s Dad has especially been looking forward to visiting us so that he could take Daniel to get his first pair of cowboy boots. And Daniel LOVES them -what’s not to love about John Deere and Camouflage?. I must say, for being a city girl, they are pretty cute on him. (Once I figure out how to post pictures, I’ll put one up!). So while Grandpa Dennis and the boys were getting boots for Daniel, Grandma Jody and the girls were finding boots for Emily. And did the girls find boots! Emily now has a lively pink pair of cowgirl boots with more bling than I thought was possible. Silver sparkling emblems, and light up stars all up and down the side. She was thrilled – tickled pink, silver, and light up stars to be exact! She insisted that she wear them to bed last night! =) All in all a successful footwear outing – complete with eggnog lattes from Starbucks.
I am off to eat a homemade breakfast of pancakes and bacon – yum!

I awoke looking forward to a day of rest, but a day of rest I did not get. I finally got around to eating breakfast this morning about 9AM – rice chex with milk, sounds harmless, right? But my second bite was fatal for my tooth. I lost an onlay (like a partial crown) on one of my back teeth. I actually pulled it off with a caramel early September and they put some temporary glue on it until I could have it fixed ‘for real’. Needless to say, I’ve been a little pre-occupied. I REALLY did not want to go to the dentist today! But to the dentist I went. They used a stronger glue because of my sob story and I scheduled to come back later this month to have it permanently repaired. They began giving me my options as to the type of crowns I can order to replace the onlay and the one they recommend is a lava porcelain. Their big selling point was that it comes with a lifetime guarantee. I just about laughed out loud. Will I get my money’s worth? Is that really a smart investment under the circumstances? Is it like going to a buffet after having your braces tightened? You KNOW you’re not going to have anything you can’t drink through a straw! Where is the value in that?
Hopefully you find it humorous with me. Some of you – like my mother – will probably find it morbid.
I still think it’s kind of funny =)

Through this latest bit of The Benson Saga we have been reconnecting with many friends we haven’t seen in a while – some in a LONG while! My friend Tracy had a brilliant idea – another reason I miss her – that I put it on my blog how we ended up in Texas, rather than responding to each inquiry individually. Although cut-and-paste in the e-mail would work! =) But this is less time consuming.

Setting the Stage
February 2006 Daniel was born – he was a sweet, cranky baby. He was c-section and they could hear him screaming long before he was removed. All the nurses on the maternity ward knew when it was Daniel – you could hear him down the hall – and don’t think it got any better when we headed home. He cried and screamed nearly 24 hrs a day, only slept very short periods of time and had big issues eating. Earlier that year Eric had taken a new position with the mortgage company he had started working for in 2002. With the new position he could work from home some of the time when he was not traveling. They didn’t require a lot of travel and we were thrilled with the new arrangement. A few months later the company was ‘acquired’. It was a summer of the unknown. Whether or not he would keep his job as they sorted out who would be merged into the new company and what exactly that would look like. One of the biggest upsets was the cut in pay – the new company did offer him a position, but at HALF the salary he was making before – ouch! At the time Eric felt it best to ride out the pains of the merger to be triumphant on the other side. Ultimately a good decision as we look back over the last two years, but certainly not an easy road. He was able to keep his seniority and a few other things that made it worth it for him to stay there and see what happened. The biggest change was that this company had him on the road EVERY week! SO here I was with a 4 year old little girl (I will blog about sweet Emily later) and a screaming infant and a husband who was lucky to be home for 48 hours on the weekend – often less than that. This went on for months while we tried to figure out if we could afford to stay in our house with the extra expenses of baby 2 and the dramatic cut in pay. The answer was a blaring NO – but how do I put the house on the market, when I can’t even get a shower in? I didn’t know – so I resorted to brownies. LOTS of Them! They were my comfort food. And I needed A LOT of comfort in those crazy days! =)

By the late fall of 2006 the new company was asking Eric to take a position at their corporate headquarters in San Diego. It would nearly eliminate his travel and we could be a family again. They would not raise his base salary, but made promises of bonuses and promotions if he made the move. We never thought we would leave the Northwest, especially now that we had kids and all of our family was within an hour of each other, but after much prayer and deliberation we made the leap. We had one fiasco after the other trying to sell the house – like a tree coming through the roof the weekend the For Sale sign was up! Was this a sign we weren’t supposed to go through with it – or a hurry yourself up and get out of here warning?!

Anyway, we ended up selling our home in Vancouver and heading down to San Diego the weekend after Daniel turned One. We were excited to be together as a family and were looking forward to enjoying the southern California weather and beaches. Three days after we signed the lease on our apartment, the mortgage industry crashed. All bonuses and promotions were halted until things ‘leveled out’. Ha! That left us in an expensive area with no money and wondering if we had heard God correctly. Yes, we still felt strongly that we were to be there so we made the best of it. And God did provide. Every time we thought we couldn’t make it one more day, something would come through, whether it was a tax return or a reimbursement check we were able to plug along. Bottom line was that San Diego is beautiful and we needed to just enjoy being there as a family for the time being! The area offered a lot of recreation opportunities for Emily (who is in a wheelchair) and it was SO wonderful to see her involved in sports and being able to be more independent.

Fast forward to August 2007 (are you keeping up with me?). 1st day of Kindergarten, I am dropping Emily off – nervously- at public school, taking the 1st day pictures, and I get a phone call from Eric. His company just shut down the entire retail division. 1600 laid off. Eric one of them. OK God. Now what. Emily just started school. We are at a church we love. We are already broke. Our family is 2 states away. What else do you want from us? More trust. More faith. OK. Eric and I still felt we were being told to stay put. Eric put his full time energy into searching for a new job – obviously – and although he was open to positions outside of the area, his main focus was San Diego. He had many interviews -feeling really good about so many and yet nothing was coming through. It was easy for us to say ‘the right one just hasn’t come yet’ and quite another thing to try and not FREAK OUT about our situation. But it was good for Eric to spend some one on one time with Daniel – especially since he had basically missed 8 months of his life and I’m sure there were other pluses, I just can’t recall them at the moment =)

Finally, in October, an offer came in to work in the IT department of the same company that laid him off. Are you crazy??? Why would he go back there? But the reality of the fact that unemployment was only enough to cover our rent and we were emptying any account/resource we had to pay cobra (health insurance) and taking change from the kids piggy banks to buy milk…let’s just say that desperate times call for desperate measures! Now, I want to be certain to let you know that our parents were helping us out as well, but we never let them know exactly how dire our circumstances were. Mostly a Pride issue (something I think has been a theme in this journey because any remainder of it is currently being beaten out of us!)but also if they really knew how bad it was they probably would have flown down and taken the kids back with them! And given us lectures at length about why we needed to high tail it back home. But that is NOT what we were supposed to be doing, so we endured and trusted -most of the time =)
Eric took the IT position with their full understanding that there was an offer from another company he was still holding out for and that if it came through, he would be out of there. They told him that it didn’t matter how long he was there, they wanted him back. Praise God! They started him right away so we would have health insurance through the company Nov 1st. That alone was worth the risk – even though I was still having my reservations. He started back to work on Thursday, October 17th. In the wee hours of Monday, October 21st we fled our home amidst the flames of the San Diego ‘Wild’ Fires.
Check in for Part 2 later!